Four Loko

I got a temp job at the Visiting Nurse Service of New York. I file stuff and make time with the older ladies at the office. I quit the diner within the hour of being offered this job. With a big smile on my face, I got on my bike and raced to Park Slope. The ride to work was never filled with so much glee. I giggled and laughed out loud, I sang to myself and waved to the people I normally saw on the route. I imagined they were waving back as I rode by, smiling at me and calling out, "Go, Ryan, go! Quit that job and tell those bastards to fuck off!" But, I took a more respectful approach and I feel like it was more satisfying. I walk in and find Debby at the counter, she's speaking to a customer. Debby is the owner, she runs the diner with her two sons. Debby is under 5 feet tall and has a thick Greek accent that makes her hard to understand. And she's a bitch. Her two sons weigh a metric ton each. So when I need to vomit for any reason, I just imagine her giving birth to those two Christmas hams, and puking is no problem. This was pay day, so I was in there to get paid and then quit. I saw her talking to someone, and I made the universal hand gesture for money so I wouldn't disturb her. A normal person would receive my message, then continue talking to the customer, and after they were done they would get my money. I understand how my communication can be seen as rude, but it's not something to get angry about. Debby ended her conversation immediately and pulled me into the other room. Here, she began to yell at me with her usual craziness, mostly about my bad attitude and apathy for the rules of conduct. I looked at her, nodding my head and smiling quietly to myself. Then she walked away. She came back and handed me the money. At that point, I told her I got another job and I wasn't coming into work any more. She was unhappy, but didn't make a fuss. That was a week ago. Today was pay day again, and I needed to collect the pay for my last shift. I worked 3 hours because of a job interview, so they owed me $12. I went in today, and told one of the sons that I needed my pay for my last shift. He gave me $40, assuming that I worked a full shift. Sweet.

Tonight I'm trying Four Loko for the first time. If you're unfamiliar, it's a caffeinated alcoholic beverage which gained popularity just recently. Here's the stats: 23.5 ounces, 12.0% alcohol. Contains: Alcohol, artificial flavors, guarana, taurine, caffeine, and FD&C Red #40.

It basically tastes awful. I got the Watermelon, my other choice was Cranberry-Lemon. It's like carbonated medicine that leaves that liquor burn in your stomach. The drink is worth mentioning because last week the senate announced that after December 10th, Four Loko will no longer ship to retailers in the state of New York. NY is the 4th state to place an official ban on the drink. I think it's ridiculous, and I'm sure I'm not alone. I can take a Red Bull and pour vodka in it, and that's perfectly legal. The argument of those white-haired fun-killers is that Four Loko attracts kids and makes them bang each other and have heart attacks and die. It's bullshit. Each year, a heartbreaking number of kids die from alcohol related incidents. Four Loko is just a target for the dudes in high office. They can kill Four Loko, but kids are still going to get killed. I'm not arguing for a caffeinated booze that tastes like candy, I don't care about the drink itself. I'm angry because someone introduced a product, and someone sitting at a desk had the power to ban it.

I've begun rehearsals for "Anna," a one-act drama put on by the Afrikan Women's Repertory Theatre in NYC. The story is about a young girl and her mother. The girl is a Broadway and movie star, the mother is a resentful and overbearing stage mom. It's not so much a story but an analysis of their relationship. And I play some dude. It opens in late January.

Listen to The Dardys Live

The Dardys live at Pianos Nov 16

Doin Thangs

Nobody wants to hire me and I suck. In other news, I'm writing a sketch show for the opening of a new dinner-theatre at Tolani Restaurant. It's a very posh and very expensive bar on the upper west side. The stage is currently being built in the downstairs dining room, and they're planning on opening the show in mid-December. Jordyn refered me to a girl in our neighborhood, Amy, whom she met on the train. We thought she was a film maker, and I was looking for film makers to make other projects of mine. It turned out that she wasn't a film maker, she's an actor and she works at Tolani. She told me about the dinner-theatre that's in production, and they needed a writer for the first show. More updates to come.

Hanging at Tolani, I was fed free cocktails and wine, which usually runs at $12 to $15 a drink. I was given a pickle and cucumber martini, and it was probably the tastiest and most refreshing thing I've ever had. After that, I followed Amy and her crew to the Auction House just across Central Park. This place is hard to describe, mainly because I was drunk. What I remember is lots of red velvet seating and large Baroque style paintings on the walls. It was really dark and I felt like I was in a game of Clue. I talked to a guy who spoke Spanish, but I didn't tell him I didn't speak Spanish. I just stood there while he talked at me for probably 10 minutes, I just nodded my head. I guess I couldn't think of anything better to do.

I joined a band, Inis Oirr. They're cool people. After my intro practice with them, Jordyn and I went to Atlantic Ave to the Trader Joe's. We thought they had 3 dollar bottles of wine, but they didn't because apparently grocery stores can't sell wine in the state of New York. Which is crazy talk. We were about a mile away, and the store was closing in 10 minutes, so I ran the rest of the way. I got to the door and had to argue with the guy to let me in. I stumbled through the aisles, exhausted. I looked like the guy in Outbreak who sold the monkey to the pet shop in the beginning. There was no wine. Only warm beer.

I had an interview today with Teachers College at Columbia University. If I get this I can leave the diner. Hello? Can you hear me God? It's Ryan. I know we don't rap that much anymore, but if you could take a minute and get me this job, I sware I'll stop masturbating. Thanks.

The official new Dardys lineup: me, Don Chino, Brian, Dave and Jimmy the Bonesaw. We're playing at Pianos this Tuesday at 9pm and I hope a lot of people will be there. Practices have been getting really intense.. but at least it shows we care. The guys showed up today with beers and 6 cans of Four Loko, all different flavors, but all with one thing in common, and that is the strong aftertaste of nail polish remover mixed with cheap soda. We recorded our set 3 times onto a tape recorder and realized that the No Joko was not a friendly addition to our rehearsals. This weekend Michael Jordyn & Greg had a show at Showpaper Gallery, and there were cardboard robots and homemade video games, and tootsie rolls for drink tickets. The band after us was a thrash-core duo who wore elaborate paper costumes that looked like chunks of rabbit fur and had black sharpie squiggles drawn on them. But they were nice enough to let us use some of their equipment.

GROUP PHOTOS

here's what fun we managed to have on halloween before the cops broke up our show, our car broke down, someone threw up, and the train was a bust.. mostly using the automatic timer on the camera to capture our costumes was the most successful activity of the night.